


Your Friends Help You Move (Your Real Friends Help You Clean)

by ozsaur



Category: Wanted (tv series)
Genre: Gen, Gift Fic, Humor, Team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-18
Updated: 2010-01-18
Packaged: 2017-10-06 10:25:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/52635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ozsaur/pseuds/ozsaur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eddie snarks his way through another trying day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Friends Help You Move (Your Real Friends Help You Clean)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fanfromfla](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=fanfromfla).



> Thank you trillingstar for encouragement and beta help. Any remaining mistakes are mine. Dedicated to fanfromfla

Tommy stared into the laundry basket, horror creeping over his face. "I saw a guy's brains spattered on a wall once. It wasn't nearly this bad." He dragged his gaze up to Eddie's face. "How do you live like this, man?"

Rodney poked at a chair with a gloved hand. "If a dog lived here, PETA would have your head on a platter for animal abuse."

Eddie scowled. "I didn't ask for your help."

"True," Connie said. "You asked for mine. And I wasn't about to come here and tackle this place without back-up."

"I should have just taken care of this myself," Eddie said.

Merced came out of the kitchen, a pair of yellow rubber gloves on her hands. "Eddie, there's no way you could get this place cleaned up before the weekend. And I hope you have money. You don't even have a bed in the spare room."

"I don't need a bed. I have a fold out couch."

Everyone looked at the thing that passed for a couch in Eddie's universe and collectively shuddered.

"Merced," Connie said, "Take Eddie and go buy a new couch and bed for the spare room."

Eddie started to protest, but Jimmie none-too-gently hustled him out the front door.

"Excuse me, sir, but why am I the one you picked to go shopping?"

"Are you honest to god arguing with me about getting out of this shithole to go to a nice clean furniture store?"

"No, sir!" She snapped off her gloves and all but ran out the door after Eddie.

* * *

"Yellow."

"It'll brighten up your living room. God knows your place can stand a little cheering up."

"Yellow."

Merced loaded two gallons of paint into the shopping cart along with brushes, rollers and trays. "Yellow is nice."

"Do I look like a guy who wants to live in a house with yellow walls?"

Merced eyed him up and down. "No, you look like the kind of guy who lives in a house with fungus on the walls. Shut up and grab that gallon of pink."

"Pink, too? No way."

"For your daughter's room, dumbass. Now hurry up, we still have to buy the couch and bed. By the way, your daughter is getting a canopy bed."

"You're living out some fantasy here, aren't you?"

Merced shrugged. "I always wanted a canopy bed."

As she pushed the cart down the aisle, Eddie called after her, "You're welcome! You can live out your pathetic childhood fantasies at my expense any time you want."

"Thank you. I will."

Muttering under his breath, Eddie followed.

* * *

Connie, Rodney and Jimmy stood around the open door of the fridge staring into the vegetable crispers. Rodney's voice was a nasal whine as he spoke - he was pinching his nose. "There is no way I'm cleaning that."

Jimmy shook his head. "You couldn't pay me enough to touch that, even if I had a full hazmat suit on."

Frowning thoughtfully, Connie pulled out his phone out of his pocket.

* * *

"Guess what?" Merced shoved her phone back into her purse. "You're getting a new refrigerator, too."

* * *

"What's wrong with my old couch?"

"This one doesn't smell like beer and puke."

"I had some good times on that couch."

Merced turned to Eddie, eyebrow raised. "And you'll actually let your kid sit on it?"

"... Okay, you've got a good point there. But I don't want this one. I want leather."

"We're buying it so your kid will have somewhere to sit, not so you can make new and even creepier memories on it."

"Fine! Fine." Eddie looked around and pointed at a couch that didn't look like either a refugee from an 80's porn film or like something his grandmother would pick out. "What about that one?"

Merced studied the couch, sat down, bounced a bit, then got up. "It's comfy. Nice fabric. And it has a fold out bed." She smiled magnanimously. "You can have it."

"Gee, thanks for letting me pick out my own couch."

* * *

"What am I going to do with a lamp? I don't need a lamp."

"Eddie, your house looks like a cave. You need a lamp."

"Do I look like a pimp daddy to you? I'm not made of money."

"Fine, I'll buy it. Consider it a housewarming gift."

Suddenly awkward, Eddie reached for the lamp. "You don't have to do that. I can pay for it."

Merced didn't let go. "I said I'd buy it."

"And I said you don't have to!"

"Goddamnit, Eddie, let me buy the fucking lamp!"

All over the store, heads turned, some faces shocked, some avidly curious.

"Okay," Eddie said, letting go of the lamp.

Almost mumbling, Merced said, "You're such an asshole."

"Love you too, Martha Stewart."

* * *

"Why can't we get her the race car bed? Maybe Irene is a tomboy."

"Look me in the eye and tell me Irene would love the race car."

They stood eye to eye. Without blinking, Eddie said, "Irene would love the race car."

"You are such a liar."

"Oh, come on! The canopy bed looks like Cinderella's fairy godmother puked it up."

"You'd know all about that, wouldn't you," Merced said with a smirk.

Looking at the sales clerk, Eddie could almost see little cartoon dollar signs spinning around his head at the commission he was about to make. "It's too expensive."

"You can afford to make your daughter happy." Merced grinned evilly. "Besides, I like spending your money."

"Oh, well, in that case, who am I to stand between you and my credit rating?"

Eddie left her to it. He escaped from the kid's department, wandered around until he found a bank of recliners lined up like whores on a street corner, tempting him to stray with their soft fabrics and massage functions.

Picking the biggest, baddest one, Eddie flopped down, poked at the control buttons, and then sighed in absolute bliss as the massager found that sweet spot right in the small of his back.

Twenty glorious minutes later, he heard an exasperated sigh. Cracking his eyes open, he saw Merced standing over him, arms folded and that scrunched up look on her face that was half amused, half disgusted.

Eddied closed his eyes. "Leave me alone. I just found my new significant other."

"You are not buying that chair. It doesn't match your couch. Plus, it's ugly."

"Don't talk that way about my darling," he said, stroking the plushness of the arm of the chair. "You should try one out."

Merced huffed, but he heard her sit down in the chair next to his. Buttons clicked, then another low hum joined the chairs in a harmonious duet.

He'd already lost track of time when Merced spoke again in a blissed-out voice. "You know, if the guys knew what we were doing here, they'd kill us."

Eddied grinned. "That makes it all the sweeter."

* * *

Rodney pounced the minute Eddie walked through the door. Thrusting a toilet brush into Eddie's hand, he said, "You get the bathroom, dude. I didn't sign on to battle the sentient life forms living in your toilet. Use extra disinfectant."

Rodney disappeared down the hallway before Eddie could reply. Still feeling mellow from the massage, Eddie hefted the brush, gathered his courage, and entered the bathroom.

Eddie used plenty of cleaner, and made sure the door and window was closed. Getting high on fumes was the only way he was going to make it through the rest of the day.

* * *

Eddie didn't bother seeing anyone to the door. By now, they knew the way out, and were eager to go. The obscene amounts of free beer and pizza had gone a long way to appeasing his friends. Friends. Not just his coworkers, or his team. Friends. He doused the warm glow in his gut with another cold beer.

Sitting down in his brand new chair, Eddie looked around at a place that didn't feel like it belonged to him any more. It didn't look like it belonged to anyone Eddie knew, except maybe Connie or his wife.

Warm and cozy and clean. Fuck, he hadn't lived in a place this clean since he lived with his mother. Disgusted, Eddie got up and stomped down the hall toward his room but stopped at the guest room door.

It had been a junk room mostly. It didn't bear thinking all the things his so-called friends had hauled out of there. It didn't matter, though. It was a little girl's room now. Pink and white. Still too plain, and not enough toys. Not very personal, but that was up to Irene. If she liked it, maybe she'd bring some of her own stuff to fill the room, maybe even the whole house. That was a lot more valuable than anything that had been in there before.

There was that warm glow in his gut again. He should go see a doctor about that.

Eddie headed to the shower. As soon as he was clean, he was going to make a quick and dirty memory in his brand new chair.

The End


End file.
